The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches

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Author: Mark Twain

The European Wars —[From the Buffalo Express, July 25, 1870.]

First Day
THE EUROPEAN WAR!!!

NO BATTLE YET!!!
HOSTILITIES IMMINENT!!!
TREMENDOUS EXCITEMENT.
AUSTRIA ARMING!
BERLIN, Tuesday.

No battle has been fought yet. But hostilities may burst forth any week.

There is tremendous excitement here over news from the front that two companies of French soldiers are assembling there.

It is rumoured that Austria is arming—what with, is not known.

.......................

Second Day
THE EUROPEAN WAR

NO BATTLE YET!
FIGHTING IMMINENT.
AWFUL EXCITEMENT.
RUSSIA SIDES WITH PRUSSIA!
ENGLAND NEUTRAL!!
AUSTRIA NOT ARMING.
BERLIN, Wednesday.

No battle has been fought yet. However, all thoughtful men feel that the land may be drenched with blood before the Summer is over.

There is an awful excitement here over the rumour that two companies of Prussian troops have concentrated on the border. German confidence remains unshaken!!

There is news to the effect that Russia espouses the cause of Prussia and will bring 4,000,000 men to the field.

England proclaims strict neutrality.

The report that Austria is arming needs confirmation.

.........................

Third Day
THE EUROPEAN WAR

NO BATTLE YET!
BLOODSHED IMMINENT!!
ENORMOUS EXCITEMENT!!
INVASION OF PRUSSIA!!
INVASION OF FRANCE!!
RUSSIA SIDES WITH FRANCE.
ENGLAND STILL NEUTRAL!
FIRING HEARD!
THE EMPEROR TO TAKE COMMAND.
PARIS, Thursday.

No battle has been fought yet. But Field Marshal McMahon telegraphs thus to the Emperor:

"If the Frinch army survoives until Christmas there’ll be throuble. Forninst this fact it would be sagacious if the divil wint the rounds of his establishment to prepare for the occasion, and tuk the precaution to warrum up the Prussian depairtment a bit agin the day.
MIKE."

There is an enormous state of excitement here over news from the front to the effect that yesterday France and Prussia were simultaneously invaded by the two bodies of troops which lately assembled on the border. Both armies conducted their invasions secretly and are now hunting around for each other on opposite sides of the border.

Russia espouses the cause of France. She will bring 200,000 men to the field.

England continues to remain neutral.

Firing was heard yesterday in the direction of Blucherberg, and for a while the excitement was intense. However the people reflected that the country in that direction is uninhabitable, and impassable by anything but birds, they became quiet again.

The Emperor sends his troops to the field with immense enthusiasm. He will lead them in person, when they return.

.....................

Fourth Day
THE EUROPEAN WAR!

NO BATTLE YET!!
THE TROOPS GROWING OLD!
BUT BITTER STRIFE IMMINENT!
PRODIGIOUS EXCITEMENT!
THE INVASIONS SUCCESSFULLY ACCOMPLISHED
AND THE INVADERS SAFE!
RUSSIA SIDES WITH BOTH SIDES
ENGLAND WILL FIGHT BOTH!
LONDON, Friday.

No battle has been fought thus far, but a million impetuous soldiers are gritting their teeth at each other across the border, and the most serious fears entertained that if they do not die of old age first, there will be bloodshed in this war yet.

The prodigious patriotic excitement goes on. In Prussia, per Prussian telegrams, though contradicted from France. In France, per French telegrams, though contradicted from Prussia.

The Prussian invasion of France was a magnificent success. The military failed to find the French, but made good their return to Prussia without the loss of a single man. The French invasion of Prussia is also demonstrated to have been a brilliant and successful achievement. The army failed to find the Prussians, but made good their return to the Vaterland without bloodshed, after having invaded as much as they wanted to.

There is glorious news from Russia to the effect that she will side with both sides.

Also from England—she will fight both sides.

....................

LONDON, Thursday evening.

I rushed over too soon. I shall return home on Tuesday’s steamer and wait until the war begins. M. T.

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Chicago: Mark Twain, "The European Wars — [From the Buffalo Express, July 25, 1870.]," The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches, ed. Hawthorne, Julian, 1846-1934 and trans. Townsend, R.S. in The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches (New York: A. L. Burt Company, 1916), Original Sources, accessed August 15, 2022, http://www.originalsources.com/Document.aspx?DocID=4TIQQPI4E5PTU51.

MLA: Twain, Mark. "The European Wars — [From the Buffalo Express, July 25, 1870.]." The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches, edited by Hawthorne, Julian, 1846-1934, and translated by Townsend, R.S., in The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches, Vol. 22, New York, A. L. Burt Company, 1916, Original Sources. 15 Aug. 2022. http://www.originalsources.com/Document.aspx?DocID=4TIQQPI4E5PTU51.

Harvard: Twain, M, 'The European Wars — [From the Buffalo Express, July 25, 1870.]' in The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches, ed. and trans. . cited in 1916, The Curious Republic of Gondour, and Other Whimsical Sketches, A. L. Burt Company, New York. Original Sources, retrieved 15 August 2022, from http://www.originalsources.com/Document.aspx?DocID=4TIQQPI4E5PTU51.