Jackson’s Political Spectacles (1833)

BY CHARLES AUGUSTUS DAVIS

Washington, 30th, Nov. 1833.

THE last letter I writ you tell’d you about the hunt we had arter the Gineral’s specs, and when we found ’em they was all stomp’d to bits in his boot. The Gineral and all on us have been in trouble ever since about it, for they was given to him by Mr. Van Buren the very day Mr. Van Buren came to jine him at Washington as Secretary of State, and he tell’d the Gineral never to let nobody handle them are specs but himself, and that when they got out of order, never to let nobody mend ’em but himself. And, do you know, so particular was the Gineral, that when Mr. Van Buren was absent, I have known him to send them specs clean to England for Mr. Van Buren to fix ’em for h[i]m; for they had a dozen little screws and springs to ’em, that sometimes would get out of order, and when that was the case, you couldn’t see no more threw ’em than you could threw Mr. Van Buren himself. As soon then as we found ’em all broke to bits, as I tell’d you in my last letter, the Gineral was in the greatest trouble I ever see; and he wrote right off to Mr. Van Buren about it, and sent the letter by express clear to Albany, where Mr. Van Buren was; and until that express got back agin, the Gineral could do nothing with business. He was as bad off as an owl in the sunshine. So to rights the express got back, and brought a letter from Mr. Van Buren, and a new pair of specs — jest like the old ones (afore they was broken) — there wan’t a might of difference.

He put ’em on, and he looked as natural agin in ’em as ever. ’Aha!’ says he, ’Major, these are the specs, after all. Tis strange,’ says he,

’I can’t see things with Governor Cass’s specs, nor Governor Woodberry’s, nor anybody’s, as well as I can with these, for they are jest like the pair I broke;’ — and then he read Mr. Van Buren’s letter. ’See here now, Major,’ says the Gineral, ’how kind it is in Mr. Van Buren to caution me, agin and agin, not to touch the screws; and do you know,’ says the Gineral, ’that ever since I have had Mr. Van Buren with me, that whenever we come to read over any long statement about politics, and who to appint, or what to do with the Bank, or any thing that required sharp looking into, he would always first examine my specs, and take ’em off to the window, or to a corner with a light, and see that all was right, and try ’em himself, and then bring ’em back to me; for, as he says (and he is a knowin crittur) that unless I can see well into every thing, I best see nothin.’

A kinder notion than jest began to git in my head that I couldn’t scratch out all I could do. And says I, ’Gineral, I would like now peskily to examine them specs; for if Mr. Van Buren has not got a patent for ’em (and seein he is Vice-President, and don’t need one), I think of gitting one myself.’ ’Well,’ says the Gineral, ’I never like to refuse you nothin; but Mr. Van Buren made me promise never to let nobody examine into ’em, and especially you; for,’ says he, ’Major, do you know that Mr. Van Buren has a notion you know a good deal about contrivances, and that it is the natur of your people Down East: and it might be he intends to git a patent himself for these very specs; and if so, he ought to have it, for he says they are jest as much his invention as your letters are yourn.’ ’Well,’ says I, ’its no matter.’ But I got a kink in me to examin them are specs; and I couldn’t sleep, nor eat, nor drink, till I got hold on ’em. So one night, when I and the Gineral had ben readin over the Message, and it was all finished and complete, he put his name to it; ’And now,’ says he, ’Major, do you attend to the printin on’t, and git about 100 copies on’t to send to our folks who are distant, so they can git it as soon and a little afore the opposition folks can send it express, after it is delivered to Congress;’ and so he went to bed, for he was eny most beat out. ’Now,’ thinks I, ’for a try at them specs’ — for I was all the while thinkin on ’em; and the public work couldn’t go on without ’em. And so I snook’d ’em out, and clapp’d them on — the Gineral all the while snorin like a north-wester.

As soon as I took up the Message, and look’d at it, I couldn’t make head nor tail on’t. It seem’d to me jest, for all the world like one of them show-boxes — all the letters and figers was goin round and round, and look’d all the while like some of them crouds we see last summer on the grand tower, throwin up hats, and cryin huzza for the Gineral and Major Downing, and Mr. Van Buren; and then, agin, there was a great glare, and it seem’d jest as if the Gineral was in the middle on’t, and Mr. Van Buren, and Major Barry, and Amos Kindle, and a raft more of our folks, all seem’d to be standing round, firing off rockets; they would squirt up over the Gineral, and burst, and then shower down stars (jest as folks tell on tother night when the stars all did git a caperin) — and jest as they would come nigh the Ginerat those stars would git together and burst agin; and then you could see nothin but ’glory,’ and not a mite of the Gineral.

’Well,’ thinks I, ’if the Gineral can read the Message with these specs, it’s more than I can.’ But I stuck to it, I kept turnin over the leaves till I got to the Treasury Accounts and the Bank business, and the deposits, and matters of such nature, — I had read all that over so often before, with the Gineral, I had it all by heart. But when I came to look at it through them specs, it was no more like it than I am like Mr. Van Buren. The accounts was all jumbled up, and then came another spell of ’glory’ agin; the letters and figers all turnin into a crowd of folks and throwin up hats: and there was Squire Biddle standin at the door of his Bank, and Clay, and Webster, and Calhoun, and a crowd more of such chaps about him, with clubs in their hands, keepin off our folks, who all seem’d to be tryin to git into the windows; and some had got in and was jest comin out with bags on their backs, and among ’em I could see the cashiers of the new Deposit Banks, with as much as they could stagger under, and all carryin a label with ’glory’ and ’huzza for Gineral Jackson,’ and then agin up went another batch of rockets! and there was the Gineral in another blaze of ’glory;’ and jest as fast as I turn’d over the leaves, and look’d a spell, every thing would git to caperin agin, and end in a blow up; and I could jest git a glimps of the Gineral, all kivered up in ’glory.’

Well, thinks I, if things look so to the Gineral, as they do to me threw these specs, I don’t wonder so much that he don’t always see ’em as other folks do; and then I went to work, lookin into the contrivance; I give one screw a twist one way, and the glasses flew round like a flash; and I took up the Message agin, and had another look, the letters and figures would all jump about a spell, and change sides; and when you come to read ’em, they warnt nothin like what I had written ’em; so I kept on turnin the screws, and slippin the springs, and every time I’d try another look, things kept all the while lookin different — and by-and-by I got ’em so that things look’d jest as they are; and as they look threw most specs. ’Well,’ thinks I, ’if this don’t beat all natur.’ — And the more I look’d into the contrivance of them are specs, the more I began to think that they knew a thing or two in Albany. ’And now,’ thinks I, ’I’ll leave these specs as they now are, and let the Gineral take a look at things as he used to, before Mr. Van Buren gave him a pair of spectacles.’ And so the next morning, when the Gineral come into the Cabinet-room up-chamber, the first thing he said, says he, ’Major, I’ll take good care how I put these specs in my pantaloons-pocket agin.’ And he took ’em out of his side-pocket, and begun rub-bin ’em; ’Now,’ says he, ’Major, jest let me take another look at that Message. I want to see,’ says he, ’how the Treasury ’counts and the Bank matters look once more, for, do you know,’ says he, ’Major, I don’t know much about figers, and every time I read that over, I’d get puzzled. But I suppose it’s all right; and as soon as I git puzzled with such matters, or any other matters, I seem to think the people understand it if I don’t; for I can almost swear I can see ’em jest as glad, let me do or say what I will, as they all was on the grand tower; and that’s enuf.’ So I turned over the Message to that part the Gineral wanted to see; and he put on his specs, and went on to readin it.

I kept my eye on him; he look’d a spell, and blink’d, and twisted his mouth, and took off his specs and rubb’d ’em, and look’d agin and blink’d, and twisted his eyebrows, laid the Message on his knees, and begun to reckon on his fingers — for he is a master-hand at that, and can do a sum so, nigh upon as quick as I can with a slate — so to fights, says he, ’Major, I don’t like the looks of this a bit.’ ’How so,’ says I? ’Well,’ says he, ’I don’t know, but it don’t look as it used to.’ And with that he lookd up over the mantel-tree piece and started back, and look’d agin, and twisted his eyebrows and lips plagily; and to rights says he, ’Major, whose likeness is that in plaster?’ ’Why,’ says I, ’that’s Mr. Van Buren, and a good likeness too.’ ’Well, whose is that?’ ’Why that’s yourn,’ says I, ’and it looks for all the world like you’ — and with that he jump’d up and took his Hickory, and with one tick he smashed both on ’em into powder. Jist then in come Amos Kindle with some newspapers, and the Gineral walk’d fight up to him with his Hickory in one hand, and the other hand holdin on his spectacles — the Gineral blinked at him a spell, Amos bowed — ’Who are you?’ says the Gineral; ’what do you want?’ and jest as he was going to speak, the Gineral fetched him a clip, and if he hadn’t been a master-hand at dodging, you’d a heard no more on him: he streaked it for the door, and got out in time. ’Major,’ says the Gineral (taking off his specs to give ’em another wipe), ’warn’t that Calhoun, or was it Duff Green? ’twas one or tother of them slim streaked-looking fellers, I’m sartin.’ I see there was no time to lose, and at this rate the Gineral would smash all the looking-glasses, and the Message too, and every thing else about him, if I couldn’t git them are specs back agin, to fix the screws jest as Mr. Van Buren had ’em, so that he could see ’glory’ agin and nothin else; and so I tell’d the Gineral to let me wipe his specs: and as soon as I got ’em, I screw’d ’em back to the old place, and ever since that, things go on smooth agin. I don’t like to show the Gineral the nature of this contrivance yet of Mr. Van Buren’s, but when Congress gets agoin, we shall have high times, and when the good time comes to let the Gineral see things as they are, without any ’glory,’ I’ll jest git his spectacles, and give them a twist back to a plain sight, and if you don’t see trouble among some of our folks I’m mistaken. The Message now being done, and Congress jest getting together, I shall have more time to write to you.

[Charles Augustus Davis], (New York, 1834), 128–137.