The Pious Editor’s Creed
I DU believe in Freedom’s cause,
Ez fur away ez Payris is;
I love to see her stick her claws
In them infarnal Phayrisees;
It’s wal enough agin a king
To dror resolves an’ triggers,
But libbaty’s a kind o’ thing
Thet don’t agree, with niggers.
I du believe the people want
A tax on teas an’ coffees,
Thet nothin’ aint extravygunt,
Purvidin’ I’m in office;
Fer I hev loved my country sence
My eye-teeth filled their sockets,
An’ Uncle Sam I reverence,
Partic’larly his pockets.
I du believe in any plan
O’ levyin’ the taxes,
Ez long ez, like a lumberman,
I git jes wut I axes;
I go free-trade thru thick an’ thin,
Because it kind o’ rouses
The folks to vote,- an’ keeps us in
Our quiet custom-houses.
I du believe it’s wise an’ good
To sen’ out furrin missions,
Thet is, on sartin understood
An’ orthydox conditions;
I mean nine thousan’ dolls. per ann.,
Nine thousan’ more fer outfit,
An’ me to recommend a man
The place ’ould jest about fit.
I du believe in special ways
O’ prayin’ an’ convartin’;
The bread comes back in many days,
An’ buttered, tu, fer sartin;
I mean in preyin’ till one busts
On wut the party chooses,
An’ in convartin, public trusts
To very privit uses.
I du believe hard coin the stuff
Fer ’lectioneers to spout on;
The people’s ollers soft enough
To make hard money out on;
Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
An, gives a good-sized junk to all,
I don’t care how hard money is,
Ez long ez mine’s paid punctooal.
I du believe with all my soul
In the great Press’s freedom,
To pint the people to the goal
An’ in the traces lead ’em;
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
At my fat contracts squintin’,
An’ withered be the nose that pokes
Inter the gov’ment printin’!
I du believe thet I should give
Wut’s his’n unto C’sar,
Fer it’s by him I move an’ live,
Frum him my bread an’ cheese air;
I du believe thet all o’ me
Doth bear his superscription,
Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
An’ things o’ thet description.
I du believe in prayer an’ praise
To him thet hez the grantin’
O’ jobs,- in everythin’ thet pays,
But most of all in CANTIN’;
This doth my cup with marcies fill,
This lays all thought o’ sin to rest,
I don’t believe in princerple,
But O, I du in interest.
I du believe in bein’ this
Or thet, ez it may happen
One way or t’other hendiest is
To ketch the people nappin’;
It aint by princerples nor men
My preudunt course is steadied,
I scent wich pays the best, an’ then
Go into it baldheaded.
I du believe thet holdin’ slaves
Comes nat’ral to a Presidunt,
Let ’lone the rowdedow it saves
To hev a wal-broke precedunt;
Fer any office, small or gret,
I couldn’t ox with no face,
Without I’d ben, thru dry an’ wet,
Th’ unrizzest kind o’ doughface.
I du believe wutever trash
’ll keep the people in blindness,
Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash
Right inter brotherly kindness,
Thet bombshells, grape, an’ powder In’ ball
Air good-will’s strongest magnets,
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
Must be druv in with bagnets.
In short, I firmly du believe
In Humbug generally,
Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive
To hev a solid vally;
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An’ this’ll keep the people green
To feed ez they hev fed me.